Been Around for a Schlong Time
- Em
- Dec 5, 2019
- 6 min read
*Due to mature themes and sexual content this blog is recommended for perverts over the age of 18. *
Well, now that I have your attention, I’ll let you know that I wasn’t kidding. This blog talks about some sexy stuff. Fascinatingly sexy, but sexy none the less.
A question: If you could learn the history of any modern object which would you choose?
- Some medical invention?
- Perhaps, a technological device?
- Maybe a particular type of garment?
If you picked any of the above, I am afraid you are shit out of luck for this particular post. Being the author of this blog gives me the PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER (Aladdin reference) of choosing a more interesting topic.
Today, my eager beavers (so many puns), I choose dildos!
I am sure you are all asking yourself, Why? Emma, Why?
Because…. I promise you will be shocked by the history. You all know that I love history with a little shock and awe. Well dildo’s have been giving people “Aw’s” since the Stone Age.
Also, I feel like my generation has gotten a bad rep when it comes to what is on TV nowadays and what we have been exposed to.
“It’s just filth on the television these days!”
“Nothing is decent anymore.” “In my day, we didn’t talk about sexual things, those were private.”
Yes, yes, yes. First of all, I don’t believe you and second of all, there was not the same influx of technology back then. You couldn’t be exposed to those sorts of things because they hadn’t become mainstream yet.
That doesn’t mean they are wrong. It is just different, that’s all.
The fact that archaeologists are digging up big ol’ stone dildos from as far back as people can be traced, just proves that sexuality and self-pleasure was thriving WAY before we Generation X. Y, Z’s slapped it all over the internet.
I would like to propose that, throughout history, sex has been mainstream, accepted and out in the open more times then it has been hidden away. Let’s explore, shall we?
So, as I mentioned, archeologists have found dildo’s dating back to the Stone Age. THE STONE AGE! The found a 7.8-inch, long phallic shaped object that has been dated at 28 000 years old. No that is not a typo, 28 000 years. This is said to be the oldest known sex-toy found to date. You want to see it don’t you? Of course, you do!
BAM!
Photo Source:
But how do we know that that is not just a tiny club? Or perhaps a pestle from a mortar and pestle set. Scientists and researchers have asked all these questions and about 1000 more. The scientific opinion is that objects, like the one pictured above, were in fact used for sexual pleasure. Many of the phallus’s that have been recovered show great detail, depicting piercings, tattoos, scars and vivid parts of male anatomy. Along with their realistic size and shape, they were also made from soft polished materials such as stone and antler bone.
Let’s skip ahead to Ancient Greece. What could the Greeks have possibly done that actually shocked me? Let me just give you two words that should never be put together.
Bread. Dildos.
That just seems like a yeast infection waiting to happen! Haha! Seriously, they called them olisbokollix, they were basically a baguette. They were used by both men and women. If I am looking for a positive to these dil-doughs (hilarious) I feel like they would be very biodegradable and they probably smell delicious, when they are fresh.
Now that you are all slightly disturbed, I will inform you that bread dildos are going to be looking like a sweet, sweet dream compared to the examples coming up next.
Our friends the Egyptians were known to use unripe bananas… OR camel dung coated in resin. Nothing screams sexy time like hardened camel shit. Why!? Who came up with that? Was there nothing else this person could find that might work? It is not even like it was something you could find pre-made. You would have to get the camel poop, then coat it in resin, then wait for it to dry, then use it. This was pre-meditated, sweet baby Jesus… WHY!?
All over the world, dildos were made from materials people had on hand. Leather, stone, wood (splinter’s everywhere….) fruit or vegetables and other objects they might find around the house.
In China, during the Han Dynasty 206 B.C – 220 A.D. Noble men and women were actually buried in massive, elaborate tombs with their dildos, among other items. These were fine crafted dildos made from bronze. Why were they so valued that they would need them in the afterlife? I’m so glad you asked! Men and women believed that people would go on living in these tombs in the afterlife and because orgasm and sexuality was a huge part of their spirituality, achieving the yin and yang, that they needed these “tools” to help them have a peaceful and fulfilled afterlife. Fun Fact: double dildos were also found in tombs from the Han dynasty.
Let’s just assume, for the sake of time, that every era and location throughout history had their own interesting type of dildo. However, I want to transport us to Europe, in the 1500’s and I want to talk about something called Hysteria. The concept of female hysteria has been around much longer then the 16th century and carries on long after. It really skyrocketed in the 1500s so that is where we will start.
What is female hysteria? Well, simply put, it is anything that physicians/healers at the time wanted it to be. Correction: any symptoms effecting a WOMAN, that doctors wanted a label for. Hysteria is named from the Latin word hystera, meaning uterus. Early physicians thought that hysteria was caused by the womb moving around to different parts of the body, or the body’s humours being unbalanced. Damn those hitchhiking uteri! So, what were the common symptoms of Hysteria?
- Fainting
- Nervousness
- Irritability
- Outbursts
- Sexy thoughts
- Insomnia
- Fluid retention
- Shortness of breath
- Loss of appetite
- Sexually forward behaviour
Essentially, you could walk into a doctor’s office with any number of normal human complaints and just be diagnosed as having Female Hysteria. It saddens me to think of how many serious conditions were actually missed because of this blanket diagnosis. Hysteria was also responsible for locking away many mentally, or physically ill women in asylums under this false pretence. I am going to dedicate an entire blog to Female Hysteria in the coming weeks, to explain in better detail.
So, what does this have to do with dildo history? (A sentence I never thought I would ask) Well, physicians would prescribe women orgasms to cure them of their hysteria. Yes, you heard me correctly…ORGASMS. Guess how you would obtain said orgasm? The physicians would give you a special “massage”.
16th Century Patient: I seem to be having a bit of trouble sleeping lately. I do have twelve children under the age of twelve so I might just be a bit stressed out.
Doctor: You have Hysteria. Plain as the nose on my face!
Patient: Oh? Couldn’t I just be overtired and perhaps a bit emotional.
Doctor: No, lift of your dress. *pats the table seductively*
Soon doctors realized that “massaging” the plethora of patients that they diagnosed with Hysteria was too much work. I seriously cannot make this stuff up. SO…. They invented the vibrator!! Remember, the vibrator is not for sexual pleasure, it is merely a doctor’s tool, so get your mind out of the gutter people. The first vibrator, invented in 1869 by an American, was a coal-fired, steam-powered machine called the manipulator. My dear God…I will have to take a pass on that, thanks very much. Don’t worry, it looks just a terrifying as it sounds.
Obviously, this could only be used in doctor’s offices. In the late 1890s and early 1900s someone decided to invent a vibrator that you didn’t need to see a pervy doctor to use! Hot Damn! It was essentially was just a hand crank that, kind of, punched you in the clitoris (see picture below) but still…progress!
Photo Source: https://www.vintag.es/2019/10/the-veedee.html
It is giving off cake mixer vibes (pun intended) but it still beats the doctor operated, coal-powered one. Plus, it was also marketed to help with your gout, rheumatism, sinus pain. It’s a real multi-tasker!
This next one is…just… I can’t even describe it. See for yourself. Invented in 1914 it was called the Pneumatic Detwiller. It worked by compressed air/gas. If it malfunctioned it could go very, very badly, like blow up your vagina, badly; but it had attachments so you win some, you lose some.
Photo Source: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/mvpy4b/fucking-hysterical-a-timeline-of-vintage-vibrators
After the early 1920’s we get into a period where vibrators are being sold and constantly improved but they are now being marketed as beauty products. Many of the popular vibrators, reflected in today’s styles, get their foundations in this time frame.
Finally, the good ole 1970s role around and vibrators and dildos become mainstream for what they are, and what they have always truly have been. Not medical devices, not tomb relics, not beauty products, just plain ordinary adult toys.
close this blog post off, I would like to apply a famous internet quote to what history has taught us about this hilarious topic.
“Anything is a dildo, if you’re brave enough.”
Thank you, and goodnight!
~Em
P.S- Between this blog, and the recent one on syphilis, my browsing history is damaged beyond repair. The things I do for you!
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